Author Archives: yourewelcome

Punctuate This

Raging disappointments come in many forms; your delicious guacamole goes bad too soon, you misplace your favorite Alf season set, or even worse- you receive a failtacular first textual impression.

Personally, I look forward to meeting men when I go out, and get especially excited when I swap numbers with a new smokin’ hot guy. However, the number is immediately deleted out of my phone when I realize he was a disguised tool, exhibited exclusively by his excessive use of punctuation and emoticons through his first “what’s up” text message.

Now, let me preface this posting with one clarification. Exorbitant use of punctuation and smiley faces MAY (and I emphasize MAY) enhance a certain male counterpart’s witty humor and charm. However, this is the exception, NOT the damned rule. It’s important to realize that if you’re a man, you should never assume that you are that type of guy. Not only does that make you a presumptuous asshole and appear as an arrogant bastard, but the fact that you’d send a text message resembling that of a infatuated 6th grade pre-pubescent girl makes me want to reach through the phone and punch you in the throat.

Men beware, the initial text you send to a girl sets the tone of the entire a relationship- if it even gets that far. If you sent something along the lines of “hey! it wuz great to meet u the other nite, wen can i see u again :)”….Um, wake up call faggot- you’re a total doucher and don’t even deserve the ever familiar, unassuming ‘who is this?’ text back. Take a hint, and now piece together why Sandy in the fuckmedress never texted you back.

Please for the sake of horny women everywhere, act like a man’s man through text messages. I don’t want to feel like I’m texting my teenage brother’s friends anymore, thanks.

Obnoxious Office Eaters

Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.

This sound pierces into my brain every damned day. Typically quiet office environment, check. Offensively loud, crunchy snack food, check. Obnoxious, usually overweight co-worker, check. Lack of polite office etiquette? Check, Check, and CHECK.

Why would anyone, in any type of quiet setting, chose to eat sourdough pretzels or raw carrot sticks? Or if they are really feeling evil and inevitably put me in my own personal hell, the chosen snack of choice: kettle cooked chips.

Lethal

Lethal

Why would anyone think that this is okay? Is their internal perception of their own personal sound so poor that they don’t realize how ridiculously loud they eat? Even worse, these morons don’t even realize they chew like a cow on the loudest possible snacks that the local vending machine has to offer.

This complete lack of social awareness in a closed, quiet environment makes me wonder how these animals even operate in normal society outside of the office. These individuals need to learn to be discrete with their chewing, take a trip down to the cafeteria, or at the very least, have a near choke attack so they never bring that type of snack again.