Author Archives: ajc308

A Call for Help: Save Our Society

I know it’s been a while since we’ve posted, but luckily for you, I had an experience today that flared up the ol’ anger hemorrhoid like George Brett after a 5th of scotch and a bad BM.  What was this travesty I encountered, you ask?  What could have rattled me so bad to throw me back to my proverbial punching bag of a blog?  What was this experience that hit me harder than Chris Brown’s right hook at Rihanna?

The answer my friends, is that in the office today, within 5 minutes of each other, spoken by two separate professional businessmen, the phrases “irregardless” and “git ‘r done” were uttered in my general vicinity.

Now I’m a rational man (don’t read my other posts), and was able to let  “irregardless” slip.  Technically, it is a word, despite its obvious redundancy, and it does cue me to dumb down my vocabulary when speaking to the elocutionist.  Instead of “We need to develop a mitigation plan to ensure these inconsistencies don’t occur in the future,” I now know to say to this person “You gotta fix this shit.”

However, when this socially digressive word was paired with the bane of all maxims, “Get ‘r done,” my body just shut down from the worst form of overload imaginable.  You may ask, “Well did you say something, or correct them?”  The answer is no; simply and surely because my body slipped into a coma as its only defense.

The threat.

 

“Git ‘r done” is the worst phrase developed by mankind, and I use that word loosely.  It is the proclamation of the inept, the declaration of the idiot, the summation of a life devoted to nothing but incompetency.  It is deficient in its existence, and even less acceptable in its assertion.  It is an immediate disqualification upon a life of knowledge and self-betterment; a phrase that insists upon itself, claiming victim after ignorant victim.  The reason that this saying exists is the very reason that I despise it.  It is a disease.  It must be eradicated.

Please, I beg of you, save our society.  Refuse to acknowledge the sanctity of “Git ‘r done.”  Revolt against its stranglehold on our vocabulary.  Defend your intelligence, fortify your mind, preserve all that has not been tainted.  Those of you who fight in this struggle, know that you are not alone.

Muffin Tops

Let’s face it, you either a) Used to have it and lost it, or b) Never had it to start with.  Regardless, you don’t have it now, and you’re grossing out America one buttery treat at a time.  Your years of pounding Coors originals and spreading your legs for the volunteer border guard patrol has rendered you used more than an Sudanese child’s flyswatter.

Your life has been reduced to wearing “these-used-to-fit-me-3-kids-and-6-slices-of-pizza-ago” camo pants with a vagomach ([vuh-juhm-uhk] A vagina stomach. See: FUPA but grosser) exploding  out of them like a cloud of ash from Mount Vesuvius.; and quite frankly, the residents of Pompeii were lucky.  Their explosion killed the whole population while we still have to live and look at you.

Muffin Top

Muffin Tops

No one cares about your struggles in life and how you used to be attractive but you can’t maintain yourself anymore or that you have a glandular problem that causes you to swell up like a blowfish with AIDS…  All that we care about is that you cover yourself up and then we’ll talk about what we can do.  Until then, your silhouette will remind me of a rubber band around the Goodyear blimp.

What was once a “Bret Michaels dream come true” has degraded as poorly as the styrafoam coolers in the alley where you gave your first rim job.  Congratulations, your mid body now resembles the spare tire on your 1984 El Camino.

Texas Critters

I just went for a run and almost got rabies from a possum that jumped in my path.  The rest of the run it made me think that everything that cast a shadow was waiting for me….

Opossum with rabies

Opossum with rabies

Not Fucking Cool.

TV Commercials

I have officially decided on my personal opinion of why I hate this recession.  And no, its not because the economy is bad, or because stores are closing, or people are out of jobs, etc.  It is because TV air time is so cheap now allowing the infomercial type ads to air incessantly during prime time hours.

The goddamn ShamWow guy has given me a complex from his screaming, I’m considering buying Lipozene because of the fat stored under my muscles, I have self-diagnosed myself with Mesothelioma, and when I see a blanket with sleeves at a store, I know that it is NOT a Snuggy, because Snuggies are made in Germany and only sold online!

And God help me if I see another commercial from the Law Offices of Binder and Binder.  I swear I am going to give them a reason to sue me.

By the way, how ridiculous is the hat that Charles Binder wears?

Charles Binder

Charles Binder's ridiculous hat

Facebook Quizzes

Can everyone please stop taking the ridiculous Facebook quizzes?

I don’t care what animal you were re-incarnated from or what shade of tee shirt matches your aura or what disney character represents your bone structure or how many rings you would have if you were a planet.

Facebook Quiz: Are you a potato?

Facebook Quiz: Are you a potato?

I guarantee if you were to take the quiz “What is your favorite hobby?” it would respond “Finding out trivial bullshit about yourself and annoying a large user community.”